Lost in a far away place.... on my way back home

First off, thank you JILL for noticing my disappearance :) I have thought about blogging lately, but it seems the stories as of yet, don't sound right with they are coming out of my mouth, I can't imagine what they will look or sounds like on paper as you read them.

Please forgive me if any part of this does not make sense. I am working on about 3 hours of sleep right now and it's just not enough.

I am so sorry for my disappearing act. So much as been going on the last few weeks, I don't even know where to begin, or what exactly I am willing to put down here. There are things as of late I have done that I am so not proud of.

Lets go back about a month ago I guess... Chris was having some issues with his ex (Crystal) she was causing some problems with him and his son and such, and I guess one night they had a long talk and from what I have learned lately, that talk brought back old feelings for him about them and the way things used to be with them, which made him question if he was really over her and what to do about me. He became somewhat distant and I was confused. I tried to get him to talk to me and he just wouldn't open up, he just kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. Well a few days after that I got some messages from "him" on yahoo messenger saying that he didn't want to talk to me and couldn't see me. I was devestated. There was no explanation and that was pretty much it. Well I backed off and didn't call, email, text, NOTHING. Well being hurt and upset I found myself talking to Michael... I KNOW... I was an idiot. Michael swore he was going to change and things would be different if I would just give him another chance... I am so gullable... more of an idiot I think. Well all hell broke lose when some friend of his called and was talking about kissing him and I asked why she was talking to him like that and she was rude and disrespectful to me. He and I got into a huge, manic fight. I hit a brick wall. I know I had a break down. I lost it. I told him I was sick of the disrespect, of the roller coaster ride, of the constant emotional merry-go-round and that I wasn't going to take it anymore... and the rest of the evening was somewhat of a blur... all I can really tell you is that I slept with a razor blade in my hand and that's after the scissors were removed. I woke up the next morning covered in blood, Michael covered in blood, blood on the walls, on the floor in the front door area and in the bathroom. I had massive cuts on my legs, the upper thighs, and outer thighs and 2 long gashes down my arm from my wrist to the middle of my arm. there were cuts all over my hands and I was a little shocked at what I saw. I couldn't even speak. I gathered up my stuff and headed home. I immediately called my mom and told her I needed her and could she please come stay with me for awhile. It killed me to tell her what I had done. I am to smart for that crap. I would never allow anyone to do such a thing if I knew about it and I knew it was wrong. My sister kept asking why... the only explanation I had was that at that moment I felt as though I was tired of being hurt by other people and if I wanted to hurt then I would do it myself and then it just happened. Well my mom came down and stayed with me for a couple of weeks. I totally felt like I was being baby-sat for. If I wasn't at work, my mom was there with me every minute. I felt so bad for making her worry. I was changing clothes after work one day and I happened to turn around and she saw the gashes on my legs and just started to cry. I felt so horrible. For the pain I had caused myself and for the pain and heartache I had caused those I love.

I am still super ashamed of what I have done. I have a daily reminder of it because the marks are still there. I have been putting vitamin-e on there to try to get rid of the scars, but they are slowly fading.

I was online one night playing around on myspace and a guy messages me and says he's new to the area and was looking for friends to show him around. Well his name is Jon and he had just moved here 3 days prior to that from Michigan. He didn't know anyone except his mom and step dad. We talked and talked and talked and it was nice to just visit with someone and not have to worry about anything else. We hit it off pretty good online, then talked on the phone and a few days later, he asked to take me out. He came to pick me up and as we were walking away from my apt toward his truck, here comes Michael literally running up the sidewalk. i was in shock. I didn't know exactly what to do. Michael grabbed me and was pulling me toward him and yelling at me asking why I was doing this to him, why I didn't want to work things out and be with him. He said do you want to be with this guy, it was so embarassing. I kept trying to walk away and he kept jerking me back and pulling my arms. Jon walked up and told him to get his hands off of me or he was going to spend the night in jail. He started jumping toward Jon asking who he was and if he knew that I was his girl and I belonged to him. Jon said I was a grown woman and could make my own choices. Some guy in my apts came running over and asking if I was okay. I just hid behind Jon. (side note... with this weight loss, and getting smaller, I feel more dainty behind a tall hunka man :) It was kinda comical in a way if you can imagine, Michael is 5'5 and 130 lbs and he is jumping at Jon who is 6'1 310, broad chest and big arms.... he's an EMT and volunteer Firefighter. It looked like a jumping bean... I wasn't laughing at the time, but now it's seems funny. Jon was so calm, he didn't get worked up at all. Michael yelled all kinds of stuff on his way to his car, but whatever. It was super embarassing. A lady came down and asked if I was alright and I said yes, she said "that guy" Michael had been sitting in his car for some time and it was really creapy. OMG was I embarrassed. The original guy that ran up to see if I was okay said he saw him jerking me around and wasn't going to stand for that. He asked if I knew him, I couldnt speak... Jon said it is her crazy ex, but she has moved on to better and then he looked at me and said right? I just smiled. We decided to go back inside and just sit for a bit. I told him how sorry I was for all the drama, but he was aware of Michael and his antics before we met, so he said he saw what I was talking about.

In the mean time I have started a 2nd job... it was meant to be a part time job but is more along the lines of a full time since the first 3 weeks I have worked 36 hours along with my 40 hours day job. It's been rough, but it's been good for me too. I am exhausted though. I have not had a day off in 3 weeks.

Well anyway... this is somewhat of an update... I know I left some stuff out, but I'm sure it will fill itself in eventually. One more note... Chris has been calling lately and that's how I found out that it was not him sending me those previous messages, Crystal his ex got into his email account and his myspace account and was sending bad stuff to me, a couple of his friends, and his sister. I had to delete him as my friend on myspace so she could not send me ugly emails and such. Yeah she's real mature huh?

Hope all is well with everyone. I have missed my blog... but I guess in a way I was ashamed of some of the things that have gone on and it made me feel bad to even tell strangers who have no bearing on the matter. Guess it's more of am embarrassment to myself.