Putting it in Neutral

Well I wasn't sure if I was going to post about this or not, but it's something in my life and it's causing not only heartache but daily stresses... so where better than to spill my guts. About a week ago, Michael came to me and told me that he was having a problem. I could tell by the way he was acting it was about to be my problem. Well he told me that he was having urges to flirt and talk to other girls. He said he didn't want to do it because he didn't want to disrespect me, but it was something that was tempting him. (just a little history)--- Michael has basically been married most of his life--10 years, he's only 29-- he hasn't even been divorced a year yet and he's had one girlfriend prior to me. Soooo he has never really dated, never done alot of flirting and talking with other girls. **M** was his wife and **B** was his ex girlfriend who he ended up cheating on both of at the end of their relationships. (he cheated on **M** with **B** and then cheated on **B** with **M**) Thank goodness **M** has moved to Portland and **B** just moved to Oklahoma... so he isn't tempted by the 2 of them :) haha

Michael never expressed such feelings to either of them, he just cheated. So it tells me alot that he actually wanted to have this conversation with me. We talked about it for awhile, and I see where he is coming from. He doesn't want to ruin what we have because he says he knows I am the one and that he wants to end up with me for the rest of his life. He just says he needs to get this out of his system, so that when we and if we get back together, then he can be all about me again. (DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?) I am trying to make sense of it all myself, and let me tell you, it's not easy. I do love him and I am doing my best to be understanding and okay with giving him his freedom. He says we will still date and spend time together, just not as committed as we have been these last couple of months.

Well.... Mr. I am not a Jealous person (or so he told me when we met) really did turn out to be SUPER JEALOUS, when some guy asked me out to dinner at The Grotto, a very upscale restraunt in the area. I had heard about the restraunt by my bosses and people that could afford that kinda stuff, but had never been there, so I was kinda interested in going. But I was not keen on the idea of going on a date with some other guy.

Michael hated it, and admitted that he guessed was jealous after all, that he had never been jealous in his past 2 relationships, but for some reason didn't want to share me at all. He said that was not fair of him to say because he was the one with this idea.

He is sorta funny how he is trying to mark his territory at my apt just in case I invite someone over. He bought me 2 dozen tulips (my fav) for v-day and then bought me a dozen silk tulips and they are in a vase that appears to have water in it, but it's fake... it's the coolest vase. He told me those will last forever and you can show them to any guy that comes over and tell them that your BOYFRIEND got those for you. I just laughed. One of the cards he gave me for v-day said that he hoped I would wait for him.

Last night he broke down and told me that he was scared that he was going to "goof off" too long and that I would find someone else before he got him "mind" straight and that he would lose me forever. He said he couldn't bear that thought. I told him if that was the case and he felt so strongly he wouldn't be doing this mess. He said I was right. It totally breaks my heart, but what am I to do. I can't sit around and be a fool waiting for something and someone I don't know will get his "mind" right. Then I would be as big a fool as he is being now. I do somewhat understand what he is thinking and I would definitely prefer him get this dating junk out of the way NOW verses a few years down the road.

I decided to go out on Friday with Ben to the Grotto... only because Michael headed to oklahoma for a date with Liz. I had a great time at the Grotto, it was beautiful and I loved the She-crab Soup... that's all I could eat. I have had the worst time with this last fill---more on that in the next post--but the soup was fantastic. Ben had the duck and said it was wonderful as well. Ben was really sweet, complimented me endlessly. I always love hearing my pictures don't do me justice. He loved my outfit... have to say I was looking cute. had the knee high boots on and was all spiffied up... that always makes me feel good. He was nice, and I can see us being friends, but I am so not interested in anything more. Michael had fun on his date, said the girl was "cool" but then when he got home the next day she called and said she wasn't interested in persuing anything. OUCH that's gotta hurt !!!

Well that's about all I have on this topic for now... it kills me to think about it and talk about it. It's stressful on a daily basis. I'm sure there will be more to come.